In our previous installment of Made-Up Truth, we were pleased to present a transcript of The Football Circus show featuring special guest commentator, Barack Obama, discussing fantasy football.
This week, Made-Up Truth is delighted to offer a transcript of TFC’s all-time most popular segment, featuring iconic author Ayn Rand. Let’s get it going!
[Lights come up. Lively music plays. TFC appears sitting at a desk with a distinguished looking older woman. She wears a severe expression and is dressed in a formless grey shroud. The woman’s skin seems both pearly and translucent.]
TFC: I’m happy to introduce our guest commentator this week. Please welcome novelist, pseudo-philosopher, and Tea Party inspiration Ayn Rand. Give her a hand folks!”
[Lively applause from the audience.]
RAND: Thanks, TFC. It’s great to be here.
TFC: It’s great to have you. So, I guess there’s an after-life after all. What’s it like?
[RAND fixes TFC with a cold, angry stare.]
RAND: Have you heard Aaron Rodgers is a big fan?
TFC: How nice for you. Moving right along. First game this week is …
TEAM BARBECUE at FUBOOZERS. What do you think, Ayn?
RAND: Adrian Peterson is a better running back than Maurice Jones-Drew, so Fuboozers will win.
TFC: Okay, I agree Peterson is better. But what about Kitna versus Brady? Brady’s the better quarterback, but Kitna has a good match-up versus Detroit. And the BBQs have a stronger team overall. Both these guys are living in the cellar, but I’d put my money on the Barbecues.
RAND: Peterson is a better running back than Jones-Drew, so Fuboozers will win.
TFC: Right, I heard that. But there are seven other players. I gave you reasons why I think the BBQs will win. Let’s have a conversation!
RAND: Peterson is a better running back than Jones-Drew, so Fuboozers will win. I am thinking and you are not.
TFC: You can’t ignore all the players except Peterson and Jones-Drew.
RAND: I am thinking and you are not.
TFC: Look, that’s not an argument. You told my producer you would offer startling insights and persuasively reasoned opinions. We flew you in Business Class from frickin’ Limbo. We put you up at the Four Seasons. You ate all the Chex Mix in the Green Room. We have the right to expect better.
RAND: I am thinking and you are not.
TFC: You’re not going to make me give up by being a mono-maniacal bitch about this.
RAND: I am thinking and you are not.
TFC: You make…
RAND: I am thinking and you are not.
TFC: Jesus! Okay, fine. Fuboozers will win. Happy?
RAND: Now you’re beginning to think!
TFC: Next up, we’ve got…
KICK-ASS FLOWER KIDS at THE MIGHTY MUSKRATS
RAND: The Flower Kids are naked hippies rolling around in the mud doomed to die with all the other naked hippies rolling around in the mud doomed to die. Naked hippies covered in mud doomed to die can never win a fantasy football game. Ever.
TFC: The Flower Kids won the AWFL Cup a few years ago.
RAND: I am thinking …
TFC: … and I am not. All righty. And the Muskrats have been scoring a million points lately, too. Now, let’s look at…
THE PEACH STATE REBELS at TEAM BIG GOVERNMENT
RAND: Bah! Government lawyer! Team Big Government is a moocher, parasite, looter, bloodsucker. He wants to enslave true, powerful, good, productive, and creative minds. He hates and envies those who can think because he cannot. He steals the wealth of corporations and their heroic chief executives. If he is not stopped, America will crash into ruins within the next six months. I do love his world-famous turkey burgers, though.
TFC: Let’s hear it for those turkey burgers. I take it you think the Rebels will win?
RAND: Duh.
TFC: How about we keep it moving, folks. Here’s one.
FOUR ACES at THE EVIL PETES
RAND: Evil doesn’t exist. Evil is what the weak, the stupid, the venal, and the thieving call the achievements of society’s geniuses. Because The Petes are weak, stupid, venal, and thieving, they are Evil. Because they are Evil, they do not exist. It is impossible for a team that does not exist to win a fantasy football game. The Four Aces do exist. Therefore, they win by forfeit. You cannot fault by logic.
TFC: And we wouldn’t even try. Okay, our next game is …
ROLLING THUNDER at THE HANDSOME GUYS
Ah, the Handsome Guys. They remind me of Nathaniel Branden. Nice boy. Little slow on the up-take. It took a while for Nathaniel and his wife to see the logic of Natty becoming my lover. But once he did, mmm-mmm. Yes, they are much alike. I can’t wait to sample their succulent man-flesh. On your knees and get busy, bitches!
TFC: Are you talking to me or the Handsome Guys?
RAND: The Handsome Guys, of course. Who else?
TFC: Just checking. So we can assume the Handsome Guys are going to score a lot this week?
RAND: Oh yes!
TFC: Good luck to the Handsome Guys with that. Here is our game of the week:
RED HOT CHILLY WILLYS at DARTH VADER RAIDERS
RAND: This is what happens when you put the good of others above your own happiness! Anakin Skywalker was a genius. He could have been John Galt’s son. What did those socialist Jedi do to him? They made him feel guilty for wanting to be himself. The result? The universe plunged into tyranny and darkness! Billions dead. Mindless Bolshevik clones running everything! If I could get my hands on that little green freak, Yoda…
TFC: Woah, hey, calm down. Fiction. Completely made up. No relationship to reality at all. Just a story.
RAND: It is? Really?
TFC: Yes, I promise. Do you think The Willys have any chance this week?
RAND: With the way The Raiders have been playing? Honestly, no.
TFC: Let’s finish with …
THE CHIP CHOMPERS at THE LONE STAR WRANGLERS
RAND: Excuse me. I have to take this. Alan Greenspan is asking me a question on his Ouija board.
[For several minutes, RAND stares straight ahead and mutters. Some phrases are audible, including “Deny everything” and “Issue counter-accusations” and “On your knees, bitches!”]
RAND: I’m back. Sorry to make you wait. Old friend.
TFC: No problem. What do you think about the Chompers?
RAND: This is a tough game, but I think the Chompers will pull it out. You have to like Rodgers over Schaub the way Houston is playing. I think Ricky Williams will have a better game than predicted with no one at quarterback in Miami to throw the ball. The Wranglers have got Cowboys and I see a let-down coming after their big win against the Giants last week. You know, football is a funny game. You can look at all the numbers, but still … any given Sunday. Well, I’m picking the Chompers.
TFC: Hey, you know, that was pretty good. I’m going with the Chompers too.
RAND: Thanks TFC. This has been fun. Can I come back next week?
TFC: No.
More great fantasy football humor can be found at “The Football Circus” blog!
Peter Galen Massey 
Truer things have never been made up.
Actually, I think Alan Greenspan did contact Ayn using a Ouija Board. Pretty sure I saw it in the WSJ.
I shared this with blamethemonkey and he dared to like it before me…great post. We lolled.
Thank you. Sorry about some of the odd football details. I don’t think people will be confused by them, but they may have to ignore one or two and just concentrate on the jokes.
That’s exactly what we did, and having some anti-love for Rand, I think we got most of the jokes.
A long time ago I read Atlas Shrugged (I wish he had shrugged a little harder) without knowing what she has done to mankind…j/k
So funny. The socialist Jedis indeed.
Thanks. The Jedi may not actually be socialist, but the sure do renounce their own needs for their society, which I don’t think is a bad thing. Figured it would get under Ayn’s skin, however.