Peter Galen Massey

The Alleghany Wildcats Fantasy League (AWFL) is one of the premier fantasy football organizations in the Northeastern United States.

Every week during its season, AWFL presents a fantasy football “preview” show broadcast on local cable from the commissioner’s basement in Shamokin, Pennsylvania.

The show is called “The Football Circus” (TFC) and features exciting guest commentators. (More great fantasy football humor can be found at “The Football Circus” blog!)

Made-Up Truth is pleased to announce we’ve acquired the rights to present transcripts of popular TFC segments from the past. Our first AWFL show broadcast last fall and featured President Barack Obama. Let us begin:

[As our splashy new graphics fade out, we see a fit African-American man in his shirt sleeves sitting with TFC. He smiles broadly, acknowledging the applause of the audience, then leans forward and folds his hand on the desk.]

TFC: I’m tremendously excited to introduce our AWFL League Week 1 guest commentator, President Barack Obama. Give him a warm AWFL welcome, folks!

[Obama opens his hands briefly, then folds them again.]

OBAMA: Thank you, TFC. It’s great to be here.

[A blinding light surrounds the president and an ethereal note rings out, like the transcendental voices of all heaven’s angels in an ecstasy of worship.]

TFC: What the f*** was that?

OBAMA: Don’t worry. Happens all the time.

TFC: Jesus. Okay. Let’s get started.

THE DARTH VADER RAIDERS at THE LONE STAR WRANGLERS

TFC: Mr. President, what strategy should the Raiders use to beat the Wranglers Week 1?

OBAMA: Hope.

TFC: Hope?

OBAMA: Yep.

TFC: Hope’s not a strategy. It’s a slogan. Care to elaborate?

OBAMA: Nope.

TFC: All righty. Insights abound. TFC doesn’t believe the expert projections and is going with the Wranglers. Let’s look at the next match up.

RED HOT PEGUINS at PEACH STATE REBELS

TFC: Here we have two good teams who have drafted strong players at every position rather than gambling big on a couple superstars. What do you think, Mr. President?

OBAMA: I look forward to having a vigorous debate on that question which will offer a clear choice to the AWFL League.

TFC: Sounds good! Let’s get it going.

OBAMA: It’s important that I tell the AWFL League where I stand on these important teams.

TFC: How about you tell us now?

OBAMA: We need to move beyond the normal Washington rhetoric, and start seriously discussing the questions that matter to the AWFL League.

TFC: Dude, anytime you want to start the discussing, we’re sitting here with our mouths closed and our ears open.

OBAMA: I’m planning on giving a major speech, sometime next month, at a wind turbine plant in Ohio, which will probably address the questions the AWFL League has about … ah … these two teams.

TFC: Oh never mind.

ROLLING THUNDER at TEAM BARBECUE

TFC: Here we’ve got the team with the highest projected points going up against the team with the lowest. Mr. President, what –

[Suddenly, a C-G-I monster with the heads of Barbra Streisand, Dennis Kucinich, and Cornel West lumbers into the TFC studio.]

SKW: Judas! You’re a Judas! Take your blood money, Judas!

[The Streisand-Kucinich-West monster tosses a small leather sack on the desk in front of the president and lumbers off. The bag lands with a loud clink. Obama looks inside and makes a quick count.]

OBAMA: Hey, wait. There’s only 38 in here.

TFC: What’s that?

OBAMA: Campaign contributions.

TFC: What do you think of this match up?

OBAMA: I think it’s going to be another long, painful season for Barbecue. Thunder wins.

MIGHTY MUSKRATS at TEAM BIG GOVERNMENT

TFC: I’m beginning to regret paying you good money to come on this show. So here are these guys.

OBAMA: This prediction is like my ideas on unemployment, the debt ceiling, the deficit, healthcare, China, the Israel-Palestinian conflict, education, infrastructure, Afghanistan, Iraq, the mortgage crisis, Gitmo, gay marriage, and the fact Michele is taller than me.

TFC: You mean, you’ve got no clue so you are going to play it safe, muddle around in the middle, not commit yourself, and hope nobody notices?

OBAMA: Exactly!

TFC: Let’s pretend I didn’t just notice. So … on this game … you’re picking both the Muskrats and Team Big Government to win? Or something?

OBAMA: Both to win or both to lose, I might do either.

CHIP CHOMPERS at EVIL PETES

TFC: This is a classic game between long-time rivals. What’s your take?

OBAMA: The Evil Petes should put Rodgers, Peterson, Colston, and Welker on the bench then offer the Chompers a tie.

TFC: What kind of stupid-a** plan for winning is that?

OBAMA: A good one. Clearly, I’m the only adult in the TFC studio.

TFC: Okay, the League will make the Evil Petes John-Boehner-pinkie-promise to bench Rodgers against the Chompers.

OBAMA: Those are words I know I can trust!

BELERGERENT BOVINES at FUBUZZBIE

OBAMA: Joe Biden is chairing a new group of Democrats and Republicans who will put on my desk a prediction for the Bovines and Fubuzzbie that I can sign. I’m expecting their report in November.

TFC: November is too late. Besides, TFC’s production company – Lovin’ Romo LTD – hired you to provide the commentary, not the legislature.

OBAMA: Once Congress does their job, I can do mine.

TFC: Okay AWFL League fans, that’s it. TFC promises to have a much better guest commentator next week, Texas Governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry! Sorry this one turned out to be such a bust.

OBAMA: What are you talking about? You’re stuck with me through the 2012 season, TFC