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Guns are patrioticThe recent tragic murders of young students and teachers in the Sandy Hook Elementary School move us to demand the US government take strong action to protect our children from gun violence.

The many responsible voices calling for armed officers to patrol schools, and for teachers and administrators to arm themselves, are important steps toward responding to the crisis.

However, these steps are not sufficient to protect our children. Gunmen who enter schools knowing there are police officers or armed teachers in the building will simply kill the adults with weapons first, then turn their guns on the unarmed children. More Sandy Hooks will be inevitable.

Therefore, we are calling on all people serious about protecting children from gun violence to create a national program to arm all school children.

Each child should be given an age-appropriate handgun as well as training similar to the instruction required to earn a concealed-carry permit in many American states.

Young children should be given a .22 pistol with no recoil and a trigger break pull pressure set at 1.25 pounds to ensure that small fingers can fire the weapon with relative ease.

Older pre-adolescents should be armed with .38 pistols and high-school age students with .45 handguns. Members of the ROTC and the football team should be armed with assault rifles, after they receive additional training and certifications. Twenty-round magazines should be standard for the handguns of all children regardless of age.

Guns should be integrated into school curriculums to increase the readiness of our children to use their weapons in self-defense. For example, word problems such as this one could be added to elementary school math programs:

Three men carrying assault rifles enter your classroom. You are armed with a pistol containing a twenty-round magazine. How many rounds can you fire at each gunman, assuming you fire an equal number of rounds at each? Are there any rounds left over? If so, how many? Show your work. Extra Credit. You should aim at the center mass of a man carrying an assault rifle to increase your chances of killing him before he kills you: True or False?

We estimate this program will require spending of $625.00 per child, with $475.00 going to pay for a reliable firearm and $150.00 to pay for training.

With 43 million school-age children in the United States, the total cost of our proposed program is 26.9 billion dollars.

We can assure those concerned about the size of the federal deficit that our proposal to arm children is revenue neutral and may even run a slight surplus.

This is because public health experts estimate that 7% of children in each generation – or just over 3,000,000 boys and girls – will die from accidental or intentional misuse of their weapons.

It costs $80,000 to provide each child in America with a public education. Therefore, the deaths of these 3 million children will save taxpayers 240 billion dollars per generation.

These savings will cover the cost of the program as well as the projected short-term and long-term costs of caring for the estimated 34% or 14.6 million children who will be injured by accidental or intentional misuse of their weapons.

While we recognize that these are not an insignificant number of deaths and injuries, we believe that the other 28 million children will be saved from gun death or injury as a result of our proposal. We also believe these deaths and injuries are a reasonable price to pay for the preservation and protection of the constitutional freedoms Americans enjoy.

As a result, we urge each of you to contact your representative and senators in Washington DC and demand they swiftly enact a comprehensive program to arm all children in the United States. Thank you for your support.

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Ayn Rand talks fantasy football

In our previous installment of Made-Up Truth, we were pleased to present a transcript of The Football Circus show featuring special guest commentator, Barack Obama, discussing fantasy football.

This week, Made-Up Truth is delighted to offer a transcript of TFC’s all-time most popular segment, featuring iconic author Ayn Rand. Let’s get it going!

[Lights come up. Lively music plays. TFC appears sitting at a desk with a distinguished looking older woman. She wears a severe expression and is dressed in a formless grey shroud. The woman’s skin seems both pearly and translucent.]

TFC: I’m happy to introduce our guest commentator this week. Please welcome novelist, pseudo-philosopher, and Tea Party inspiration Ayn Rand. Give her a hand folks!”

[Lively applause from the audience.]

RAND: Thanks, TFC. It’s great to be here.

TFC: It’s great to have you. So, I guess there’s an after-life after all. What’s it like?

[RAND fixes TFC with a cold, angry stare.]

TFC: Moving right along. First game this week is …

TEAM BARBECUE at FUBOOZERS. What do you think, Ayn?

RAND: Adrian Peterson is a better running back than Maurice Jones-Drew, so Fuboozers will win.

TFC: Okay, I agree Peterson is better. But what about Kitna versus Brady? Brady’s the better quarterback, but Kitna has a good match-up versus Detroit. And the BBQs have a stronger team overall. Both these guys are living in the cellar, but I’d put my money on the Barbecues.

RAND: Peterson is a better running back than Jones-Drew, so Fuboozers will win.

TFC: Right, I heard that. But there are seven other players. I gave you reasons why I think the BBQs will win. Let’s have a conversation!

RAND: Peterson is a better running back than Jones-Drew, so Fuboozers will win. I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: You can’t ignore all the players except Peterson and Jones-Drew.

RAND: I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: Look, that’s not an argument. You told my producer you would offer startling insights and persuasively reasoned opinions. We flew you in Business Class from frickin’ Limbo. We put you up at the Four Seasons. You ate all the Chex Mix in the Green Room. We have the right to expect better.

RAND: I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: You’re not going to make me give up by being a mono-maniacal bitch about this.

RAND: I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: You make…

RAND: I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: Jesus! Okay, fine. Fuboozers will win. Happy?

RAND: Now you’re beginning to think!

TFC: Next up, we’ve got…

KICK-ASS FLOWER KIDS at THE MIGHTY MUSKRATS

RAND: The Flower Kids are naked hippies rolling around in the mud doomed to die with all the other naked hippies rolling around in the mud doomed to die. Naked hippies covered in mud doomed to die can never win a fantasy football game. Ever.

TFC: The Flower Kids won the AWFL Cup a few years ago.

RAND: I am thinking …

TFC: … and I am not. All righty. And the Muskrats have been scoring a million points lately, too. Now, let’s look at…

THE PEACH STATE REBELS at TEAM BIG GOVERNMENT

RAND: Bah! Government lawyer! Team Big Government is a moocher, parasite, looter, bloodsucker. He wants to enslave true, powerful, good, productive, and creative minds. He hates and envies those who can think because he cannot. He steals the wealth of corporations and their heroic chief executives. If he is not stopped, America will crash into ruins within the next six months. I do love his world-famous turkey burgers, though.

TFC: Let’s hear it for those turkey burgers. I take it you think the Rebels will win?

RAND: Duh.

TFC: How about we keep it moving, folks. Here’s one.

FOUR ACES at THE EVIL PETES 

RAND: Evil doesn’t exist. Evil is what the weak, the stupid, the venal, and the thieving call the achievements of society’s geniuses. Because The Petes are weak, stupid, venal, and thieving, they are Evil. Because they are Evil, they do not exist. It is impossible for a team that does not exist to win a fantasy football game. The Four Aces do exist. Therefore, they win by forfeit. You cannot fault by logic.

TFC: And we wouldn’t even try. Okay, our next game is …

ROLLING THUNDER at THE HANDSOME GUYS

Ah, the Handsome Guys. They remind me of Nathaniel Branden. Nice boy. Little slow on the up-take. It took a while for Nathaniel and his wife to see the logic of Natty becoming my lover. But once he did, mmm-mmm. Yes, they are much alike. I can’t wait to sample their succulent man-flesh. On your knees and get busy, bitches!

TFC: Are you talking to me or the Handsome Guys?

RAND: The Handsome Guys, of course. Who else?

TFC: Just checking. So we can assume the Handsome Guys are going to score a lot this week?

RAND: Oh yes!

TFC: Good luck to the Handsome Guys with that. Here is our game of the week:

RED HOT CHILLY WILLYS at DARTH VADER RAIDERS

RAND: This is what happens when you put the good of others above your own happiness! Anakin Skywalker was a genius. He could have been John Galt’s son. What did those socialist Jedi do to him? They made him feel guilty for wanting to be himself. The result? The universe plunged into tyranny and darkness! Billions dead. Mindless Bolshevik clones running everything! If I could get my hands on that little green freak, Yoda…

TFC: Woah, hey, calm down. Fiction. Completely made up. No relationship to reality at all. Just a story.

RAND: It is? Really?

TFC: Yes, I promise. Do you think The Willys have any chance this week?

RAND: With the way The Raiders have been playing? Honestly, no.

TFC: Let’s finish with …

THE CHIP CHOMPERS at THE LONE STAR WRANGLERS

RAND: Excuse me. I have to take this. Alan Greenspan is asking me a question on his Ouija board.

[For several minutes, RAND stares straight ahead and mutters. Some phrases are audible, including “Deny everything” and “Issue counter-accusations” and “On your knees, bitches!”]

RAND: I’m back. Sorry to make you wait. Old friend.

TFC: No problem. What do you think about the Chompers?

RAND: This is a tough game, but I think the Chompers will pull it out. You have to like Rodgers over Schaub the way Houston is playing. I think Ricky Williams will have a better game than predicted with no one at quarterback in Miami to throw the ball. The Wranglers have got Cowboys and I see a let-down coming after their big win against the Giants last week. You know, football is a funny game. You can look at all the numbers, but still … any given Sunday. Well, I’m picking the Chompers.

TFC: Hey, you know, that was pretty good. I’m going with the Chompers too.

RAND: Thanks TFC. This has been fun. Can I come back next week?

TFC: No.

More great fantasy football humor can be found at “The Football Circus” blog!

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The Alleghany Wildcats Fantasy League (AWFL) is one of the premier fantasy football organizations in the Northeastern United States.

Every week during its season, AWFL presents a fantasy football “preview” show broadcast on local cable from the commissioner’s basement in Shamokin, Pennsylvania.

The show is called “The Football Circus” (TFC) and features exciting guest commentators. (More great fantasy football humor can be found at “The Football Circus” blog!)

Made-Up Truth is pleased to announce we’ve acquired the rights to present transcripts of popular TFC segments from the past. Our first AWFL show broadcast last fall and featured President Barack Obama. Let us begin:

[As our splashy new graphics fade out, we see a fit African-American man in his shirt sleeves sitting with TFC. He smiles broadly, acknowledging the applause of the audience, then leans forward and folds his hand on the desk.]

TFC: I’m tremendously excited to introduce our AWFL League Week 1 guest commentator, President Barack Obama. Give him a warm AWFL welcome, folks!

[Obama opens his hands briefly, then folds them again.]

OBAMA: Thank you, TFC. It’s great to be here.

[A blinding light surrounds the president and an ethereal note rings out, like the transcendental voices of all heaven’s angels in an ecstasy of worship.]

TFC: What the f*** was that?

OBAMA: Don’t worry. Happens all the time.

TFC: Jesus. Okay. Let’s get started.

THE DARTH VADER RAIDERS at THE LONE STAR WRANGLERS

TFC: Mr. President, what strategy should the Raiders use to beat the Wranglers Week 1?

OBAMA: Hope.

TFC: Hope?

OBAMA: Yep.

TFC: Hope’s not a strategy. It’s a slogan. Care to elaborate?

OBAMA: Nope.

TFC: All righty. Insights abound. TFC doesn’t believe the expert projections and is going with the Wranglers. Let’s look at the next match up.

RED HOT PEGUINS at PEACH STATE REBELS

TFC: Here we have two good teams who have drafted strong players at every position rather than gambling big on a couple superstars. What do you think, Mr. President?

OBAMA: I look forward to having a vigorous debate on that question which will offer a clear choice to the AWFL League.

TFC: Sounds good! Let’s get it going.

OBAMA: It’s important that I tell the AWFL League where I stand on these important teams.

TFC: How about you tell us now?

OBAMA: We need to move beyond the normal Washington rhetoric, and start seriously discussing the questions that matter to the AWFL League.

TFC: Dude, anytime you want to start the discussing, we’re sitting here with our mouths closed and our ears open.

OBAMA: I’m planning on giving a major speech, sometime next month, at a wind turbine plant in Ohio, which will probably address the questions the AWFL League has about … ah … these two teams.

TFC: Oh never mind.

ROLLING THUNDER at TEAM BARBECUE

TFC: Here we’ve got the team with the highest projected points going up against the team with the lowest. Mr. President, what –

[Suddenly, a C-G-I monster with the heads of Barbra Streisand, Dennis Kucinich, and Cornel West lumbers into the TFC studio.]

SKW: Judas! You’re a Judas! Take your blood money, Judas!

[The Streisand-Kucinich-West monster tosses a small leather sack on the desk in front of the president and lumbers off. The bag lands with a loud clink. Obama looks inside and makes a quick count.]

OBAMA: Hey, wait. There’s only 38 in here.

TFC: What’s that?

OBAMA: Campaign contributions.

TFC: What do you think of this match up?

OBAMA: I think it’s going to be another long, painful season for Barbecue. Thunder wins.

MIGHTY MUSKRATS at TEAM BIG GOVERNMENT

TFC: I’m beginning to regret paying you good money to come on this show. So here are these guys.

OBAMA: This prediction is like my ideas on unemployment, the debt ceiling, the deficit, healthcare, China, the Israel-Palestinian conflict, education, infrastructure, Afghanistan, Iraq, the mortgage crisis, Gitmo, gay marriage, and the fact Michele is taller than me.

TFC: You mean, you’ve got no clue so you are going to play it safe, muddle around in the middle, not commit yourself, and hope nobody notices?

OBAMA: Exactly!

TFC: Let’s pretend I didn’t just notice. So … on this game … you’re picking both the Muskrats and Team Big Government to win? Or something?

OBAMA: Both to win or both to lose, I might do either.

CHIP CHOMPERS at EVIL PETES

TFC: This is a classic game between long-time rivals. What’s your take?

OBAMA: The Evil Petes should put Rodgers, Peterson, Colston, and Welker on the bench then offer the Chompers a tie.

TFC: What kind of stupid-a** plan for winning is that?

OBAMA: A good one. Clearly, I’m the only adult in the TFC studio.

TFC: Okay, the League will make the Evil Petes John-Boehner-pinkie-promise to bench Rodgers against the Chompers.

OBAMA: Those are words I know I can trust!

BELERGERENT BOVINES at FUBUZZBIE

OBAMA: Joe Biden is chairing a new group of Democrats and Republicans who will put on my desk a prediction for the Bovines and Fubuzzbie that I can sign. I’m expecting their report in November.

TFC: November is too late. Besides, TFC’s production company – Lovin’ Romo LTD – hired you to provide the commentary, not the legislature.

OBAMA: Once Congress does their job, I can do mine.

TFC: Okay AWFL League fans, that’s it. TFC promises to have a much better guest commentator next week, Texas Governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry! Sorry this one turned out to be such a bust.

OBAMA: What are you talking about? You’re stuck with me through the 2012 season, TFC

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Warren Jeffs, the head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, was convicted of sexual assault in August 2011. During the trial, he made a motion for Judge Barbara Walther to recuse herself because God said she should.

To support this motion, God showed up in the courtroom to testify. Here is the transcript:

TIPSTAFF: State your name.

GOD: God.

TIPSTAFF: Occupation?

GOD: Deity.

TIPSTAFF: Legal residence?

GOD: Everywhere.

JEFFS hisses: That’s Buddhism!

GOD: I beg your pardon. Heaven.

TIPSTAFF: Ah, put your hand on Yourself, I guess. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help You … You?

GOD: I do.

JUROR screams out: Why did you give my Aunt Bertha cancer?

GOD: I never.

JEFFS: Woohoo! Mistrial!

JUDGE WALTHER: Sorry, Mr. Jeffs, no dice. Shall we continue. Mr. God, did you really tell Mr. Jeffs that I should recuse myself?

GOD: No. Why that bozo thinks I’m his lap dog is beyond me.

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