Archive for the ‘Ayn Rand’ Category

ayn rand smilingI’ve always liked jokes that don’t advertise themselves as jokes, so I thoroughly enjoyed John Hodgman’s “Shouts & Murmurs” piece titled Ask Ayn Rand on The New Yorker website in which he pens fake columns from Parade Magazine for Ayn.

Part of the reason I like the “joke in disguise” is that so many things in life that sound like a joke are actually true. (Sex comes immediately to mind as an example.) That the absurd often seems plausible is one of the delights — and one of the lessons — of life.

I also like the “joke in disguise” because I’ve always been interested in just how many ridiculous things you can get away with saying, at least for a while, if you say them with a straight-enough face.  This probably explains my continuing interest in politics.

John Hodgman’s piece is a fine example of “the joke in disguise”. My reactions followed the usual life cycle of this humor: This is great! followed by This is funny! followed by Hey, wait a minute followed by Got me, John! When I reached this passage, I knew I had been gotten:

I do not hesitate to say, objectively, definitively, that “Caddyshack” is the year’s best movie. Rodney Dangerfield plays a self-made man who is not ashamed of his ambition, who does not apologize for his success, and who gets excitement from the joyful reality that we are all going to get laid if we are willing to be productively selfish and to stop coddling the weak.

I’m sure I liked Hodgman’s piece because I also like Ayn Rand humor. My Ayn Rand Talks Fantasy Football post remains one of my personal favorites, and as an ambitious and productively selfish blogger, I’m giving it a plug here. Unlike Hodgman’s piece, however, it is obviously a joke from the beginning.

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The Ayn Rand postage stamp from the US Post Office

Does anyone else find it ironic that Ayn Rand appears on a postage stamp? Or that she appears to implicitly endorse government controlling the price of mailing a letter? But I digress.

Paul Ryan. Ron Paul. Alan Greenspan. The Republicans are the party of Ayn Rand, right?

Wrong. The Democrats are the real party of Ayn Rand.

Now I don’t mean the whole “any government other than police equals instant tyranny” Ayn Rand. Or the “I’m a genius, leave me alone, if you left me alone I would have already invented hyper-drive or a fusion reactor or whatever the heck it is in a gulch in Utah” Ayn Rand. Nope, those Ayn Rands the Republicans still got locked up. I mean…

The “Existence Exists” Ayn Rand

We hear a lot about this in Atlas Shrugged and it apparently applies both to people who have read the novel and people who … well … really have a whole lot better things to do with their time than read Atlas Shrugged.

But I digress. It seems that Romney and big Republican donors and Republican pollsters and Republican pundits really did think Romney was going to win.

And all that crap they dumped on Nate Silver and every poll except Gallup and Rasmussen and David Axelrod was sincere crap, not just the standard-issue “I talk up my side and talk down your side when I’m on tv” stuff the everybody does all the time no matter who they support.

Which led to the spectacle Tuesday night of the Republicans denying existence was existing even as it was existence-ing itself into existence. And after everyone else had noticed. But this isn’t the only reason the Democrats are the real party of Ayn Rand.

The “Those Who Are Thinking Are Thinking” Ayn Rand

It’s hard to believe the party which spent its impressionable teenage years reading Siddhartha out-thought the party which spent them reading The Fountainhead, but they did. The 2012 Ayn Rand data-crunching cage match goes to Siddhartha.

But losing the title of “the party of Ayn Rand” doesn’t stop there. All the Republicans saying the reason they lost the presidency is because their candidate wasn’t conservative enough, despite a great deal of electoral and demographic and polling data to the contrary, and instead believe the key to winning is to repeat their core beliefs more and more frequently and more and more fervently rather than …

Wait a minute. That does sound a lot like Ayn Rand. But I digress.

The other group coming up short in the “those who are thinking are thinking” category are the Republicans suggesting that all they need to do is change their “tone”.

This implies Republicans believe they can promote policies such as God wanting women to have babies resulting from rape, or driving anyone who doesn’t look Anglo-Saxon across the southern border of the United States with electric cattle prods, or risking recession to defend tax cuts for 2% of the population – and if they get nice looking people in nice clothes to explain these policies really nicely (hello Paul Ryan!) – the people getting screwed by them won’t notice because the people getting screwed are easy-to-manipulate idiots.

In “the those who are thinking are thinking” versus “the those who are thinking are thinking” show-down, I’m putting $20.00 on the idiots.

Now before the Democrats get too happy that they are the new party of Ayn Rand, I’d like them to embrace one more Ayn Rand.

The “I Can Do Simple Arithmetic” Ayn Rand

You don’t have to be a free, self-sufficient, independent genius to do simple arithmetic and the simple arithmetic is this. Obama got 50.8% of the popular vote. Romney got 47.9% of the popular vote. About 61.7 million people voted for Obama. About 58.5 million voted for Romney.

That, Democrats, is not a landslide. That is basically fifty-fifty.

And when you think about how badly the Republicans blew it with women and Latinos and young people, there are a lot of votes against Republicans – rather than for Democrats – in that group.

So Mr. Obama, please remember. Data is data. Existence exists. You have power and momentum, but not a mandate and not a free hand. Listen to the whole country. Think about what you hear. And get to work. Ayn is counting on you.

** My apologies for drifting out of my usual topic of consideration. But I mentioned several books, so that makes it okay, yes? **

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Ayn Rand talks fantasy football

In our previous installment of Made-Up Truth, we were pleased to present a transcript of The Football Circus show featuring special guest commentator, Barack Obama, discussing fantasy football.

This week, Made-Up Truth is delighted to offer a transcript of TFC’s all-time most popular segment, featuring iconic author Ayn Rand. Let’s get it going!

[Lights come up. Lively music plays. TFC appears sitting at a desk with a distinguished looking older woman. She wears a severe expression and is dressed in a formless grey shroud. The woman’s skin seems both pearly and translucent.]

TFC: I’m happy to introduce our guest commentator this week. Please welcome novelist, pseudo-philosopher, and Tea Party inspiration Ayn Rand. Give her a hand folks!”

[Lively applause from the audience.]

RAND: Thanks, TFC. It’s great to be here.

TFC: It’s great to have you. So, I guess there’s an after-life after all. What’s it like?

[RAND fixes TFC with a cold, angry stare.]

TFC: Moving right along. First game this week is …

TEAM BARBECUE at FUBOOZERS. What do you think, Ayn?

RAND: Adrian Peterson is a better running back than Maurice Jones-Drew, so Fuboozers will win.

TFC: Okay, I agree Peterson is better. But what about Kitna versus Brady? Brady’s the better quarterback, but Kitna has a good match-up versus Detroit. And the BBQs have a stronger team overall. Both these guys are living in the cellar, but I’d put my money on the Barbecues.

RAND: Peterson is a better running back than Jones-Drew, so Fuboozers will win.

TFC: Right, I heard that. But there are seven other players. I gave you reasons why I think the BBQs will win. Let’s have a conversation!

RAND: Peterson is a better running back than Jones-Drew, so Fuboozers will win. I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: You can’t ignore all the players except Peterson and Jones-Drew.

RAND: I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: Look, that’s not an argument. You told my producer you would offer startling insights and persuasively reasoned opinions. We flew you in Business Class from frickin’ Limbo. We put you up at the Four Seasons. You ate all the Chex Mix in the Green Room. We have the right to expect better.

RAND: I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: You’re not going to make me give up by being a mono-maniacal bitch about this.

RAND: I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: You make…

RAND: I am thinking and you are not.

TFC: Jesus! Okay, fine. Fuboozers will win. Happy?

RAND: Now you’re beginning to think!

TFC: Next up, we’ve got…


RAND: The Flower Kids are naked hippies rolling around in the mud doomed to die with all the other naked hippies rolling around in the mud doomed to die. Naked hippies covered in mud doomed to die can never win a fantasy football game. Ever.

TFC: The Flower Kids won the AWFL Cup a few years ago.

RAND: I am thinking …

TFC: … and I am not. All righty. And the Muskrats have been scoring a million points lately, too. Now, let’s look at…


RAND: Bah! Government lawyer! Team Big Government is a moocher, parasite, looter, bloodsucker. He wants to enslave true, powerful, good, productive, and creative minds. He hates and envies those who can think because he cannot. He steals the wealth of corporations and their heroic chief executives. If he is not stopped, America will crash into ruins within the next six months. I do love his world-famous turkey burgers, though.

TFC: Let’s hear it for those turkey burgers. I take it you think the Rebels will win?

RAND: Duh.

TFC: How about we keep it moving, folks. Here’s one.


RAND: Evil doesn’t exist. Evil is what the weak, the stupid, the venal, and the thieving call the achievements of society’s geniuses. Because The Petes are weak, stupid, venal, and thieving, they are Evil. Because they are Evil, they do not exist. It is impossible for a team that does not exist to win a fantasy football game. The Four Aces do exist. Therefore, they win by forfeit. You cannot fault by logic.

TFC: And we wouldn’t even try. Okay, our next game is …


Ah, the Handsome Guys. They remind me of Nathaniel Branden. Nice boy. Little slow on the up-take. It took a while for Nathaniel and his wife to see the logic of Natty becoming my lover. But once he did, mmm-mmm. Yes, they are much alike. I can’t wait to sample their succulent man-flesh. On your knees and get busy, bitches!

TFC: Are you talking to me or the Handsome Guys?

RAND: The Handsome Guys, of course. Who else?

TFC: Just checking. So we can assume the Handsome Guys are going to score a lot this week?

RAND: Oh yes!

TFC: Good luck to the Handsome Guys with that. Here is our game of the week:


RAND: This is what happens when you put the good of others above your own happiness! Anakin Skywalker was a genius. He could have been John Galt’s son. What did those socialist Jedi do to him? They made him feel guilty for wanting to be himself. The result? The universe plunged into tyranny and darkness! Billions dead. Mindless Bolshevik clones running everything! If I could get my hands on that little green freak, Yoda…

TFC: Woah, hey, calm down. Fiction. Completely made up. No relationship to reality at all. Just a story.

RAND: It is? Really?

TFC: Yes, I promise. Do you think The Willys have any chance this week?

RAND: With the way The Raiders have been playing? Honestly, no.

TFC: Let’s finish with …


RAND: Excuse me. I have to take this. Alan Greenspan is asking me a question on his Ouija board.

[For several minutes, RAND stares straight ahead and mutters. Some phrases are audible, including “Deny everything” and “Issue counter-accusations” and “On your knees, bitches!”]

RAND: I’m back. Sorry to make you wait. Old friend.

TFC: No problem. What do you think about the Chompers?

RAND: This is a tough game, but I think the Chompers will pull it out. You have to like Rodgers over Schaub the way Houston is playing. I think Ricky Williams will have a better game than predicted with no one at quarterback in Miami to throw the ball. The Wranglers have got Cowboys and I see a let-down coming after their big win against the Giants last week. You know, football is a funny game. You can look at all the numbers, but still … any given Sunday. Well, I’m picking the Chompers.

TFC: Hey, you know, that was pretty good. I’m going with the Chompers too.

RAND: Thanks TFC. This has been fun. Can I come back next week?

TFC: No.

More great fantasy football humor can be found at “The Football Circus” blog!

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