Plenty of birds. Where are the bees?
Wife: Don’t you think it’s time we told Son #1 about sex?
Me: No.
Wife: He’s going to overnight camp this summer.
Me: Good. He’ll learn it there. It will be like “Porky’s”.
Wife: I think we need to tell him ourselves.
Me: This sounds like a dyslexic “we”.
Wife: I don’t understand. Although that’s nothing new.
Me: You’re seeing the “w” in “we” upside down. It’s actually an “m”. As in “me”.
Wife: Well, he’s your son.
Me: Thank you for that confirmation.
[Wife looks at me for a long time while I pretend to read the book I’m holding.]
Me: Oh all right all right all right.
[Son #1 and I go round the corner to the neighborhood bar and grill and order cheeseburgers. The food arrives.]
Me: So Mom says I have to tell you about sex.
Son #1 [watching basketball game on TV and eating]: Unhuh.
Me: So, you know what sex is?
Son #1 [still watching basketball game on TV and eating]: No.
Me: Your friends haven’t talked about it?
Son #1 [still watching basketball game on TV and eating]: No.
[Here I think this is totally excellent — I don’t have to work against misinformation — until I realize I don’t know how to start. I puzzle over this problem for some time.]
Me: Ever wonder why teenagers stand around on street corners and smash their faces together?
Son #1 [looking away from basketball game, but still eating]: As a matter of fact, yes.
And then I’m off to the races, and I cover…
- First base
- Second base
- Third base
- Home run
- How you can get a girl pregnant
- How you can’t get a girl pregnant
- Basic contraception
- Homosexuality (it’s fine)
- How the other person has the right to say “no”
- How you have the right to say “no”
- A long list of sexual activities that, depending on the age at which Son#1 engages in them, I will kill him if I find out.
- Comprehensive question & answer review of all the information above.
Frequently during the talk, I repeat the phrase, “I’m not making this up.”
[We go home and I report all of the above to wife, figuring I am about to be richly praised for my work.]
Wife: You didn’t talk about masturbation?
Me [somewhere between antagonized and outraged]: I think he can figure that one out himself.
Wife: He might think it’s wrong.
Me: Give me a f%*&ing syllabus next time.
Wife: Don’t you think we…
Me: Oh all right all right all right. [I go downstairs and stick my head in Son #1’s room.] It’s okay to play with it. Just close the door.
POSTSCRIPT:
For three years after this, Son #1 always said “no” whenever I asked him if he wanted to go around the corner to the neighborhood bar and grill, get a cheeseburger, and watch a ball game. Recently, he told me he said “no” because he didn’t know what other kind of weird crap I was going to spring on him and didn’t want to find out. Makes perfect sense now that I think about it.
POST-POSTSCRIPT:
The personalities of the characters in this dialogue were exaggerated and intensified for dramatic purposes. “Wife” is actually a much milder and more reasonable person in real life. “Me” is pretty accurate, unfortunately.
POST-POST-POSTSCRIPT:
Despite the previous disclaimer, I am apparently still in Chateau Bow Wow for this post.
Hilariously funny, Peter! 😉 🙂 🙂
Thanks. Trying to be funny. Succeeding is always another matter.
I am not surprised he was wary about your invitations. So that was son#1. Was there a repeat performance for a #2?
“Wife” reminded me that Son #2 is coming up. And after this post, apparently he’s all mine as well.
Have fun!
Hahaha!
Well, my parents didn’t tell me anything about the birds and the bees (it must be a cultural thing). I can’t remember when I exactly figured everything out, but yeah, I figured it out myself.
Son #1 says to Son #2 … “If dad wants to take you to the neighborhood bar and grill and buy you a cheeseburger, run the other way!”
Know the feeling – I told our son. Husband just never got around to it. However, I suspect that by time I told him he knew most of it anyway. 🙂
I’m watching Son #2 for signs of that knowing. I believe I’m supposed to strike before he gets his teeth too deep into that apple from the tree of knowledge.
Well done – my conversation is a few years away, but I took some notes here in any case.
Thanks. The phrase “I’m not making this up” is particularly important, especially if you are in the habit of making up crazy stories for your children.