The world is facing many serious problems today. But one of the most serious is poorly written erotica.
How have our sensual imaginations come to be dominated by writers of awkward syntax with no feel for adjectives, a habit of inserting commas where they do not belong, and a hilarious understanding of human psychology?
Not to fear! Our saviors are at hand. Open any wine connoisseur catalog and you’ll find writers of extraordinary talent and distinction who can easily be drafted into our fight against bad erotica.
Please join me in a campaign to recruit these writers, so we can all enjoy work like this:
Nice to meet you. Do you come here often? Did you know you have pretty lips?Black plum and refreshing, tangy red cherry with hints of dark chocolate.
I could lose myself forever in your greenly glinting golden eyes.Light gold with green glints.
Tell me more about those silky, rounded tannins.Red cherries and raspberries layered over silky, rounded tannins.
What’s that scent you are wearing? It’s intoxicating.Creamy peach, sweet citrus and melon.
Wooah, slow down. We just met. And the night is still young.Mouthfilling texture and a deep finish.
You know, you’re the girl my mother has been asking me to bring home for years.Juicy, smooth, and pleasing. Dark fruit and hints of nutmeg spice, delicate toffee and a refreshing finish.
Oooh, good-looking bad boys who play by their own rules are flinty. I’ve got vibrant gooseberries and I can be flinty. Whaddaya think?Explosive guava and vibrant gooseberry. Hints of flinty stone on the finish.
Okay, you’ve convinced me. Barkeep? Check please!Soft mouthfeel. Fresh-sliced red apple, juicy pineapple and mango with a long, buttery finish.
Hahahaha
Does that mean you’ll sign the recruiting petition?
You are SO behind the times. Signed and sealed. My love of the grape does not extend to most wine critics.
What about ‘enticingly scented, with strikingly intense, ripe fruit flavours and a crisp dry lasting finish’. The mind boggles. But I agree with you about the bad erotica… :))
The crisp and dry might be a little uncomfortable.
Feeling a little spooked, as I wrote this paragraph today. NOT erotica, but wine crime. “Magenta and ruby, fading to a cerise rim. No hint of tawny. Nose, a riot of summer fruits with some leather, earth and French oak. Textured and creamy with structured tannins which do not dominate the end palate, leaving us with caramel and burnt toast. A deeply satisfying glass. I suggest paella as the perfect accompaniment.” (Can’t go wrong with structured tannins.)
Pure synchronicity. You are exactly the kind of writer the movement needs. I’ll get the draft board working on it.
I wonder if the true erotica writers were so depressed by the lack of demand for their talents that they turned to drink 🙂
No more or less than true writers in any other genre or field, I suspect.
Perfect!
Thanks. Thought it was time for something a little silly.
Peter, must admit the vine critics were giving me a complex! Incisive, as usual!
Meanwhile, here is a Liebster Award fro you:
Merci, Mes Amis
Thanks. So, to sound a little slow … How does this work? I answer the questions and then nominate a few bloggers I like to do the same?
Peter, It goes like this:
1. 11 facts about you,
2. Answer 11 questions,
3. Nominate 11 you like,
4. Frame 11 questions
I’d love to go through your lists! And if you are slow, I am a sloth!
Thanks! This is likely going to take me a little while because finding 11 good questions and a nice diversity of 11 nominees is not going to be a simple as if first seems.
Sure! I’d love to read your lists.