Wine Connoisseurs: “Save the World from Bad Erotica!”

February 10, 2013 by Peter Galen Massey

The world is facing many serious problems today. But one of the most serious is poorly written erotica.

How have our sensual imaginations come to be dominated by writers of awkward syntax with no feel for adjectives, a habit of inserting commas where they do not belong, and a hilarious understanding of human psychology?

Not to fear! Our saviors are at hand. Open any wine connoisseur catalog and you’ll find writers of extraordinary talent and distinction who can easily be drafted into our fight against bad erotica.

Please join me in a campaign to recruit these writers, so we can all enjoy work like this:

Black plum and refreshing, tangy red cherry with hints of dark chocolate.

Nice to meet you. Do you come here often? Did you know you have pretty lips?

Light gold with green glints.

I could lose myself forever in your greenly glinting golden eyes.

Red cherries and raspberries layered over silky, rounded tannins.

Tell me more about those silky, rounded tannins.

Creamy peach, sweet citrus and melon.

What’s that scent you are wearing? It’s intoxicating.

Mouthfilling texture and a deep finish.

Wooah, slow down. We just met. And the night is still young.

Juicy, smooth, and pleasing. Dark fruit and hints of nutmeg spice, delicate toffee and a refreshing finish.

You know, you’re the girl my mother has been asking me to bring home for years.

Explosive guava and vibrant gooseberry. Hints of flinty stone on the finish.

Oooh, good-looking bad boys who play by their own rules are flinty. I’ve got vibrant gooseberries and I can be flinty. Whaddaya think?

Soft mouthfeel. Fresh-sliced red apple, juicy pineapple and mango with a long, buttery finish.

Okay, you’ve convinced me. Barkeep? Check please!

Posted in Sex in Fiction | Tagged books, fiction, novels | 16 Comments

16 Responses

on February 10, 2013 at 12:36 pm | Reply mrscarmichael

Hahahaha
- on February 10, 2013 at 2:54 pm | Reply Peter Galen Massey
  
  Does that mean you’ll sign the recruiting petition?
  - on February 10, 2013 at 3:38 pm mrscarmichael
    
    You are SO behind the times. Signed and sealed. My love of the grape does not extend to most wine critics.
on February 10, 2013 at 2:34 pm | Reply kiwiskan

What about ‘enticingly scented, with strikingly intense, ripe fruit flavours and a crisp dry lasting finish’. The mind boggles. But I agree with you about the bad erotica… :))
- on February 10, 2013 at 2:55 pm | Reply Peter Galen Massey
  
  The crisp and dry might be a little uncomfortable.
on February 10, 2013 at 3:36 pm | Reply jilljmarsh

Feeling a little spooked, as I wrote this paragraph today. NOT erotica, but wine crime. “Magenta and ruby, fading to a cerise rim. No hint of tawny. Nose, a riot of summer fruits with some leather, earth and French oak. Textured and creamy with structured tannins which do not dominate the end palate, leaving us with caramel and burnt toast. A deeply satisfying glass. I suggest paella as the perfect accompaniment.” (Can’t go wrong with structured tannins.)
- on February 10, 2013 at 10:14 pm | Reply Peter Galen Massey
  
  Pure synchronicity. You are exactly the kind of writer the movement needs. I’ll get the draft board working on it.
on February 11, 2013 at 2:16 am | Reply Gallivanta

I wonder if the true erotica writers were so depressed by the lack of demand for their talents that they turned to drink 🙂
- on February 11, 2013 at 11:06 am | Reply Peter Galen Massey
  
  No more or less than true writers in any other genre or field, I suspect.
on February 13, 2013 at 11:44 am | Reply Evan Kingston

Perfect!
- on February 13, 2013 at 3:41 pm | Reply Peter Galen Massey
  
  Thanks. Thought it was time for something a little silly.
on February 17, 2013 at 10:54 am | Reply umashankar

Peter, must admit the vine critics were giving me a complex! Incisive, as usual!
Meanwhile, here is a Liebster Award fro you:
Merci, Mes Amis
- on February 17, 2013 at 5:22 pm | Reply Peter Galen Massey
  
  Thanks. So, to sound a little slow … How does this work? I answer the questions and then nominate a few bloggers I like to do the same?
  - on February 17, 2013 at 9:53 pm umashankar
    
    Peter, It goes like this:
    
    1. 11 facts about you,
    2. Answer 11 questions,
    3. Nominate 11 you like,
    4. Frame 11 questions
    
    I’d love to go through your lists! And if you are slow, I am a sloth!
  - on February 19, 2013 at 12:34 pm Peter Galen Massey
    
    Thanks! This is likely going to take me a little while because finding 11 good questions and a nice diversity of 11 nominees is not going to be a simple as if first seems.
  - on February 19, 2013 at 9:59 pm umashankar
    
    Sure! I’d love to read your lists.