What do you call flighty, impulsive behavior in turtles? “Carapace caprice.”
Posts Tagged ‘humor’
What do you call a panty raid at a Christian college? “Fundies and undies.”
What do you call a container that may or may not hold liquid?
Any vintage of “Que Syrah, Syrah Gran Reserva”.
Since it happens that my blog’s navigation and content give particular weight to the word “nude” … well, I get some particularly odd search terms generating page views.
I know you have your favorite search terms from your sites. Here are my favorites from mine:
nudist novels goddess
This search phrase is actually quite relevant to my self-published eBook novel, Queen of the Nude. (Did I mention this novel is really good? Did I mention the whole point of this blog is to persuade you to read it? Did I mention I wrote I novel? I did? Okay good.)
nudity in jane austen’s persuasion
This search phrase may be the very apex of wishful thinking.
Excellent. A totally random search term triggered by a totally random Thanksgiving short story.
very old friends naked
You’ve come to the wrong place, bub. Instead, invite them to your house. Get them very drunk. Turn the thermostat to 95 degrees. And wait.
pictures of satan fainting
This was triggered by a particularly delicious/despicable pun post titled “Fainting at the Sight of Satan”. Go on. Click the link. You know you want to.
joe gillis gigolo
Joe Gillis is the main character in Billy Wilder’s Sunset Boulevard. While he exhibits some gigolo-like behavior, I believe he is emphatically not a gigolo.
big breasted woman at baseball games
This one is my fault because I wrote a poem titled “A Mystery of Life Propounded …” which discusses the aforementioned women (in a purely metaphysical sense).
was it really emma bovary’s fault
No, not really. I blame French society and Flaubert more.
holy moses sex
I can’t imagine what the person was thinking when he (she?) typed in those words. Probably has something to do with 50 Shades of Grey, however.
erotic nude croquet
Okay, this one I can imagine. A mid-summer’s garden party in England. Late afternoon. The golden honey light is just still slanting over the tall hedges that crowd the long narrow garden behind the country house. Strawberries and cream in the bowls. Strawberries and cream on the croquet lawn. The buxom glory of Britannia. Not the callow freshness of spring’s first blossom, but the fullness and ripeness of summer fruit. Wide-brimmed straw hats. The gentle, somnolent “tock” of the croquet balls and the murmurs of “well played, well played.” Later, a deep feather bed and bright moonlight and a breeze, warm and languid, drifting through the open window. Bird song. The chime of a lesser river in the distance. Keats’ poetry. The feeling that if there is only this night, this night and nothing more, all of life is worth it still. And then – uh oh, here comes my wife. Shsssh!
Bonus! A couple of odd search terms from webmaster tools for which my blog ranked as an impression, but thankfully didn’t earn a click:
hilary mantel nude
Mantel is a good writer and deserves her Bookers … but why?
ayn rand nude
Probably the most disturbing term I’ve seen. Worse, webmaster tools tells me that my average search position on this phrase is 36, which means there are at least 35 other sites that also have keywords related to “ayn rand nude”. You won’t find nude pictures of Ayn Rand on my site. You will find her talking about fantasy football, however.
How have our sensual imaginations come to be dominated by writers of awkward syntax with no feel for adjectives, a habit of inserting commas where they do not belong, and a hilarious understanding of human psychology?
Not to fear! Our saviors are at hand. Open any wine connoisseur catalog and you’ll find writers of extraordinary talent and distinction who can easily be drafted into our fight against bad erotica.
Please join me in a campaign to recruit these writers, so we can all enjoy work like this:
Nice to meet you. Do you come here often? Did you know you have pretty lips?
Black plum and refreshing, tangy red cherry with hints of dark chocolate.
I could lose myself forever in your greenly glinting golden eyes.
Light gold with green glints.
Tell me more about those silky, rounded tannins.
Red cherries and raspberries layered over silky, rounded tannins.
What’s that scent you are wearing? It’s intoxicating.
Creamy peach, sweet citrus and melon.
Wooah, slow down. We just met. And the night is still young.
Mouthfilling texture and a deep finish.
You know, you’re the girl my mother has been asking me to bring home for years.
Juicy, smooth, and pleasing. Dark fruit and hints of nutmeg spice, delicate toffee and a refreshing finish.
Oooh, good-looking bad boys who play by their own rules are flinty. I’ve got vibrant gooseberries and I can be flinty. Whaddaya think?
Explosive guava and vibrant gooseberry. Hints of flinty stone on the finish.
Okay, you’ve convinced me. Barkeep? Check please!
Soft mouthfeel. Fresh-sliced red apple, juicy pineapple and mango with a long, buttery finish.
“Ah, ma petite belle. You make me feel zo warm. My love for you is like a phlegm. A bright, orange, burning phlegm.”
The humor includes “The Drinker’s Dictionary” brought out by Franklin in January 1736. The piece begins with a condemnation of drunkenness I don’t take with complete seriousness since Franklin is also famous for saying “Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy”.
In any case, The Dictionary features more than 200 “round-about Phrases” or slang terms “to signify plainly that A MAN IS DRUNK.”
Some of this slang does not make much sense, having grown enigmatic over the past 270 years. However, I think that makes it funnier, the way some drunk men become more amusing as they make less sense. Here is a selection of my favorites:
B. He’s Biggy, Boozy, Bowz’d, Buskey, Buzzey, Bungey. He’s kiss’d black Betty.
C. He’s been too free with the Creature. Sir Richard has taken off his Considering Cap.
G. He’s Glad, Groatable, Gold-headed, Booz’d the Gage, As Dizzy as a Goose.
J. He’s Jolly, Jagg’d, Jambled, Going to Jerusalem, Jocular, Been to Jerico, Juicy.
P. He’s as good conditioned as a Puppy. He’s been among the Philippians. He’s contending with Pharaoh.
R. He’s Rocky, Raddled, Rich, Religious, Lost His Rudder, Ragged, Rais’d.
S. He’s Steady, Stiff, Stew’d, Stubb’d, Soak’d, Soft.
W. He’s Wise. He’s Wet.