I use Twitter to entertain myself because (1) I don’t have many followers and (2) if I did have a lot of followers, most of them would unfollow me from perplexity, boredom, or the fear that my mental derangements might somehow be catching.
As you’ll notice, this piece of self-knowledge has not stopped me from sharing with you my favorites from the past six months. What a tangle a person is.
Never criticize second-rate literature. Its fans go bat-shit and no one else gives a damn.
Ants invaded my favorite apple cake. I ate them. I am #Shiva, destroyer of worlds.
No no no! I need #phlebotomy, not lobotomy!
King Herod – This agreement requires me to give you the head of John the Baptist. #Salome – Oh, that’s just my standard contract.
My wife says, “You use #commas where I would not. But I love you anyhow.”
This tweet is a non-update on my #writing. Disappointed? No, I didn’t think so.
#Puns are the whoopie cushions of wit.
If I’m not bored at least once during a baseball game, I haven’t gotten my money’s worth.
“I say verily I will bless the deserving poor as soon as I find some.” Acts of the Agostinians 17: 11-12
Kim Yong-un vows to shoot down #Santa if he violates North Korean airspace. St. Nick deploys stealth Rudolph and drone elves in response.
Asked of iPhone: “Siri, should I drink more?” Answer: “I have found 9 bars near your location.”
#Running is the perfect exercise for Protestants – it’s dull, painful, and good for you.
Wife: What would it* say if it could talk? Me: I’m sick of this guy too.* Yes, the “it” is what you think it is.