How have our sensual imaginations come to be dominated by writers of awkward syntax with no feel for adjectives, a habit of inserting commas where they do not belong, and a hilarious understanding of human psychology?
Not to fear! Our saviors are at hand. Open any wine connoisseur catalog and you’ll find writers of extraordinary talent and distinction who can easily be drafted into our fight against bad erotica.
Please join me in a campaign to recruit these writers, so we can all enjoy work like this:
Nice to meet you. Do you come here often? Did you know you have pretty lips?
Black plum and refreshing, tangy red cherry with hints of dark chocolate.
I could lose myself forever in your greenly glinting golden eyes.
Light gold with green glints.
Tell me more about those silky, rounded tannins.
Red cherries and raspberries layered over silky, rounded tannins.
What’s that scent you are wearing? It’s intoxicating.
Creamy peach, sweet citrus and melon.
Wooah, slow down. We just met. And the night is still young.
Mouthfilling texture and a deep finish.
You know, you’re the girl my mother has been asking me to bring home for years.
Juicy, smooth, and pleasing. Dark fruit and hints of nutmeg spice, delicate toffee and a refreshing finish.
Oooh, good-looking bad boys who play by their own rules are flinty. I’ve got vibrant gooseberries and I can be flinty. Whaddaya think?
Explosive guava and vibrant gooseberry. Hints of flinty stone on the finish.
Okay, you’ve convinced me. Barkeep? Check please!
Soft mouthfeel. Fresh-sliced red apple, juicy pineapple and mango with a long, buttery finish.